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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Path of Least Resistance

Path of Least Resistance.

The day I wrote my last blog over 6 weeks ago, I slipped into such a dark place. I was literally in a dark place but I fell figuratively into one as well. I was living in an environment that was not conducive to health. It had become toxic and I was stunned by the transformation. I felt so incredibly alone and vulnerable, and no evidence to the contrary would register. I had made another mistake with who I let into my life. I had no strength left to fight anymore. It felt easier just to slip away.

The mental fog I suffer with CFS/FM confused me so much, at times I could not only not remember what I had done or said but which medication I had taken or which I had not. I feared that in such a dark time, it would be easy to just keep taking more and more medication til I just didn't feel anything anymore. I hung on to loving comments from people on email and facebook and tried to maintain a positive outlook, then the internet was taken away from me.

On the night of my friend Lou's 50th party I seriously wanted to disappear, I joked and smiled but inside I was dying. I wanted to reach out for help but felt so tired I couldn't, and I couldn't bear another rejection. But I didn't need to reach out, Lou had seen where I was at. The next morning she called me and said to come over to her sister's house where she and her husband Paul P were house sitting. When I didn't get there in 15 minutes she called again and I let her know I was on my way. She knew.