Sunday, June 13, 2010

A Tapestry of Diamonds

It's 1.12 am and I am awake. Nothing unusual in that - comes free of charge as part of the CFS/FM package. Funny, sometimes I am so exhausted I can't do anything - yet sleep still eludes me. My body seriously aches - like I've done a few rounds with Mohammed Ali - and this hard bed is not doing me any favours.  (Note to self - must get  soft mattress soon!). I can't lie on my side as my hip is in so much pain, yet I never learned to sleep on my back. I have a gentle restlessness I can't appease - that feeling I get when I can't do anything to make it go - except write. So here I am.

Despite all that I also have an indescribable sense of peace and the bubblings of a little joy starting to trickle from within. I have been lying here just aware of the peace outside and the stillness. I am aware of the pain, but not consumed by it. I have acknowledged it and accepted it and somehow that has released my thoughts from it. I opened my blind and through the silhouette of trees standing guard around my window I watched the stars - bold and brilliant.

Looking at them reminded me of a time when in the remoteness of the New Mexico wilderness I emerged from an intense session in a sweat lodge and fell back on the chilly desert and stared at the stars. They appeared to drip like liquid diamonds and I lost all sense of where I ended and the universe began.

I used to have such a sense of wonder, believed in things like synchronicity and serendipity. I had a spirit that was aware of the supernatural and would see situations come together in seemingly miraculous ways. I took journeys and saw miracles - I didn't concern myself with what my 5 year plan was - I lived for the journey not the destination, and through that I grew and learned who I was. I met the most amazing people who came into my life and out just as quickly - leaving me with a resonance of some truth or memory that grew into a rich inner tapestry.