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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Wonder of You

Have you ever noticed the way a child will become engrossed with something small...a rock, a snail, a leaf? Time can dissolve for them as they play and wonder about their world.

One of my favourite songs is Louis Armstrong's 'What a Wonderful World', and there have been many times in the last 7 years where I have felt deeply aware of the incongruity of loving that song and my lack of joy and wonder of the world around me.

This year I have rediscovered the power of a sense of wonder and it has taken me deeper than being a child studying a pebble. I have wondered about many things and that has had a powerful transformation in every area of my life:

Observation: My body refuses to go on the way it was....
Wonder: I wonder what happens if I sit with this and allow this process to take place? I wonder what my body is trying to tell me? I wonder what will happen if I listen to it?

Observation: My friend doesn't seem to listen to me...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

November Song

In a few moments this afternoon I had a revelation that astounded me and was confirmed again by a friends blog post this evening. I woke up after an afternoon nap...I knew I had been feeling unusually rough this month. I am really struggling at present. I sat on my couch and an overwhelming sense of dread came over me.....am I relapsing badly again? Has all the good progress I've made this year just been a tease? 

I thought back to when this slide began....it was in November....funny I thought....I crashed big time last November - worse than this though.....as I sat and contemplated flashes of things that had happened lately came to mind....the stories I had written reminiscing about my mum at my writing group....buying little things that reminded me of her,  and a story I wrote this week about a dream which a friend of mine assures me depicts post natal depression to a tee....(if you are my friend on facebook you can read this in my notes). Funny I thought...I haven't had a child to experience post natal depression....but on some level I understood it....

My GP also looked at me yesterday with such sorrow and compassion and said that it was so sad that I had missed out on relationships and having a family and his empathy touched me to the core. So I realised that I was in some way being directed to some grief that was still manifesting in my life.....and began to ponder deeply.....

Monday, November 22, 2010

How to be Well....despite feeling Crap!

When I think back over this last year...I can't help but be amazed. Earlier this year I was hanging on by a thread - see April's  'Path of Least Resistance' - I was the sickest I had been over a consistent period and facing homelessness again.

It has been an incredible year...one that I don't want to repeat but one that has also brought such a deep, resounding sense of Joy and Peace to my life. Reading over my year of blog posts I have a grateful respect for the journey I have been on and realise that I have learned to be well - despite feeling crap.

What is being Well? To me it's Acceptance and Surrender - not resignation - but accepting exactly how things are - acknowledging your pain, physical, mental and emotional - listening to what it is telling you, but not letting it define you. It's surrendering all your past desires and ambitions and finding what you're left with is who you truly are and what you truly want to do.....It's grieving fully for those losses and through that process making space for what your true self wants.

It's Compassion.....I spent years giving selflessly to those in need, but I realise now I missed an important ingredient to the miracle of Compassion - having compassion for myself. This illness has taught me the power of that. Part of learning Acceptance was learning Compassion for myself.....it is hard to lack compassion for others when you embrace and have compassion for your weakest moments. Charity begins at home....I always thought that meant your friends and family...but now I realise it begins even before them - being kind to yourself.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Highly Sensitive Person

I used to think that when I was called 'too sensitive' it was an insult. I was thrilled by challenges and a hint of danger. Perhaps, subconsciously I was attracted to doing things that required sensitivity but were also seen as 'tough'  - acting, humanitarian aid, social work etc....

A month back, my GP said to me 'you're too sensitive to be a social worker' and I did take that negatively....like being highly sensitive was a character flaw.


The day my GP said this to me I went upstairs to my neighbours place to check on everything for her (she was away in the UK for a while). I glanced at her bookshelf and a title leapt out at me.....'The Highly Sensitive Person in Love'

Hmmmm....I thought .....I better check that out....it wasn't so much the 'in love' bit that interested me but the 'Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)' bit....what's all that about???....

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Gift

I am amazed. So truly alive and so truly amazed at life. For the first time I am experiencing consistent joy and wonder as I walk hand in hand with Synchronicity and Serendipity.  Awe whispers in my ears and my heart is full to overflowing.

Out of this time of enforced stillness and reflection, I have found myself face to face with my authentic self....and it's not as scary as I would have imagined previously. I realize now through this journey I have embraced the feminine energy and stopped doing. Instead I have focused on being, feeling, expressing and receiving. Out of that life has begun to flow and flow abundantly.  I awake with such a sense of anticipation and joy despite whatever my physical state is for that day. I can't wipe the smile off my face.

I wonder about being a woman and how, through equality, we have learned to take on the masculine energy and do, achieve, strive, nurture, manage, lead and control.  Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong in flowing in the masculine energy - we all flow between both and we need to. But when we get stuck in one I wonder how healthy that is for our lives and our relationships. I am glad that women are treated as equals, but I feel that somehow we've equated being equal with being the same. We're not. And I am glad of it. God,  I love being a woman for all our contradictions and emotions, and a man who is at peace in himself is to be respected.