I am amazed. So truly alive and so truly amazed at life. For the first time I am experiencing consistent joy and wonder as I walk hand in hand with Synchronicity and Serendipity. Awe whispers in my ears and my heart is full to overflowing.
Out of this time of enforced stillness and reflection, I have found myself face to face with my authentic self....and it's not as scary as I would have imagined previously. I realize now through this journey I have embraced the feminine energy and stopped doing. Instead I have focused on being, feeling, expressing and receiving. Out of that life has begun to flow and flow abundantly. I awake with such a sense of anticipation and joy despite whatever my physical state is for that day. I can't wipe the smile off my face.
I wonder about being a woman and how, through equality, we have learned to take on the masculine energy and do, achieve, strive, nurture, manage, lead and control. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong in flowing in the masculine energy - we all flow between both and we need to. But when we get stuck in one I wonder how healthy that is for our lives and our relationships. I am glad that women are treated as equals, but I feel that somehow we've equated being equal with being the same. We're not. And I am glad of it. God, I love being a woman for all our contradictions and emotions, and a man who is at peace in himself is to be respected.
I wonder about being a man today and I feel a sense of them being disenfranchised. What conflict arises when both walk in the masculine energy? If we, as women, take over control and management of the relationship - what does that say to a man? That he is not capable? That we can do a better job than them? Maybe to begin with we can, and maybe it's easier to continue to be the one in control - but how does that make a man feel about us? Is that why the passion dies? Is that why he loves you as a friend or like a mother? Is it why he respects you as his coach but can't make love to you as his woman?
I am beginning to realize that our true feminine strength lies in vulnerability. Now I am not talking about being a doormat and accepting everything a man says or does - quite the opposite. It's about being clear about who you are, knowing your boundaries, expressing authentically how you feel and what you want and don't want. It's about communicating about you - not complaining about what your man does or doesn't do.
A few men I have dated over the past month confirm some of this for me - they seem confused - what is expected of them, how they are to treat you is now unknown territory. I feel that they want to give, but they are frightened of the response.
I wonder what would happen if we stopped managing, criticizing, bossing, demanding and started expressing, being and receiving from a place of authenticity and vulnerability - would our relationships change? Would our men respond differently to us? Can we accept that just who we are, not what we do, is enough? Do we realize that our genuine selves are the gift - we don't need to earn, prove, deserve a man's love? Can we exhale?
One thing I have noticed that in the last 8 months I have been surrounded by men who know how to nurture. I have so admired that in them and found it refreshingly attractive. I always considered nurturing a female trait but now I realize it's intrinsically male - men need to do, to give. And what is nurturing but doing and giving.
One thing I have also noticed is that due to my earlier ill health I had no strength to do anything but receive. That woke something up in me and I realized how by not being able to receive, what we really do is push people away from knowing our true selves. It is a defense against intimacy, vulnerability and expression. Learning to receive is harder than learning to give.
Through all these revelations I have felt my energy shift. I am attracting the most amazing situations and people into my life - despite being at home a lot of the time! I have made good friends with my neighbour and we inspire each other in our growth and healing. It is so fluid and easy there is no striving nor expectations. She has not only given me the gift of friendship she has given me the gift of her beautiful beads! We have been making stunning sun catchers and discussing taking on more beading workshops - so I can run some as well.
I also received a phone call seemingly out of the blue today offering me a days work proofing and critiquing a film script for a film that is due to go into production. I haven't worked in the film/TV industry for 17 years. Without striving things are coming to me. Life is flowing, and no illness is holding me back. I feel that I have tapped into freedom - embracing my feminine energy and allowing it to flow - attracting that which is good and true to me.
Yesterday I walked around an amazing golf course - surrounded by beauty and wildlife. The sun was setting and the 'roos frolicked all about. I had good company and was able to enjoy the gentleness of the moment. I carried that sense of awe with me the whole time. I felt so glad to be alive. Everything felt like a gift. One I can now receive.