In a few moments this afternoon I had a revelation that astounded me and was confirmed again by a friends blog post this evening. I woke up after an afternoon nap...I knew I had been feeling unusually rough this month. I am really struggling at present. I sat on my couch and an overwhelming sense of dread came over me.....am I relapsing badly again? Has all the good progress I've made this year just been a tease?
I thought back to when this slide began....it was in November....funny I thought....I crashed big time last November - worse than this though.....as I sat and contemplated flashes of things that had happened lately came to mind....the stories I had written reminiscing about my mum at my writing group....buying little things that reminded me of her, and a story I wrote this week about a dream which a friend of mine assures me depicts post natal depression to a tee....(if you are my friend on facebook you can read this in my notes). Funny I thought...I haven't had a child to experience post natal depression....but on some level I understood it....
My GP also looked at me yesterday with such sorrow and compassion and said that it was so sad that I had missed out on relationships and having a family and his empathy touched me to the core. So I realised that I was in some way being directed to some grief that was still manifesting in my life.....and began to ponder deeply.....
On November 19, 1987 my mum lost her courageous battle with breast cancer...she was 52...I had just turned 22 and a young 22 at that. On November 11, 1998 I lost the child I had been carrying for 3 months. It was an experience I can't describe ....losing someone that hadn't been born....that was just an idea in other people's minds but a reality in my body. The grief I felt was devastating....I couldn't breathe.
I had been scared about being a mother on my own...I wondered if I'd have the energy to cope...but I despite the fear and the insistence of the father that I have an abortion or he'd leave me (good riddance I said).....I knew I couldn't go through with an abortion so I chose to have the child....I had been told 6 months previous that I wouldn't be able to conceive without medical intervention and had grieved that loss so wasn't going to miss my chance...despite my fears.
So I do have a child - in the spirit world - Jesse - which means 'gift from God' - and he was due on my mum's birthday - 05th June 1998.....funny how that date comes up a lot in my family.....
I have also been reading the posts this week of the brave people with whom belong to on an online support group which I am privileged to be a part of and it just highlights the thoughts I have been having lately even more.
In no way am I saying that ME/CFS is a psychological disorder - no more so than breast cancer or diabetes is....but one thing I am realising more and more is that our spiritual, mental and emotional lives are so intrinsically linked with our physical reality. I have an illness that debilitates me, but the emotional, spiritual and mental processes I go through express themselves through this illness and as I learn to listen to my body more I am made more aware of the layers of grief I have yet to peel away.
Grief is not a finite process. As we go through different stages in our lives different levels of grief emerge...I guess as I approach menopause in the next few years there is a part of me subconsciously grieving the final chance to be a mother and connect with my mother's memory in a different way. My body is beginning to change and let go of that part of my life. And I am grateful to it for letting me know that it is grieving and now I realise this I can let go of the dread of relapse and support my body.....let it have its catharsis and experience it deeply so I can let it go, I will be free....
Next November will be different.
I am determined to experience wholeness and wellness. Whatever form that takes. For some reason my soul is on this journey and this experience of facing the limits of my body is part of it. At times I have wanted to escape the heaviness of the physical realm and have felt such anger at what I felt was my body's betrayal (miscarrying, ME/CFS/FM, missing out on having a family), yet I know now without this experience I would not know the true joy of life and the full experience of this human condition.
Nothing is a coincidence and the synchronicity in my life lately astounds me..... I can trust that I am where I am meant to be, that on some spiritual level I have chosen to experience this life this way and can find meaning and healing in this - whatever form that takes. I will experience it deeply and fully. I will learn and grow from this. I will continue to know the depths of my soul and relish in the intimacy I have developed with myself and those others who dare to delve deep and share with me.
It is a miracle this life of ours, a tapestry of pain and joy, where we can learn to be free - whatever the physical reality.
I really felt what you were writing about. November hold much grief for me too. I would love to be able to express myself half as well as you. XXX
ReplyDeleteThanks Melinda...xxx
ReplyDeleteWhat a wise, sensitive and beautifully written post. It's so interesting for me to watch other people like yourself discovering HSP and seriously considering that personality and temperament may well play a part in a condition like M.E. and/or Fibro. When I first found out about HSP and read Elaine's book it really helped me to see things in another way and almost 'forgive' myself.
ReplyDeleteWhen I finally really crashed ten years ago it was after a long, long period of so much loss, so much grief and yet I held it altogether. I longed to let it all out but I felt I needed to 'stay strong' and carry on because so many people depended on me. Instead of admitting how I felt to myself and others I stuffed it all back in and so my body and soul manifested the pain in a different way and down I went into the M.E. spiral.
I hope you'll find a comforting and dependable way to face these aspects of your journey. You certainly face the prospect with courage and creativity x
That's so true Cusp ...the part about finally being able to 'forgive' myself!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your insightful, encouraging comments.
As always, you amaze me, hon. I am so proud of you. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Deb....you just made me cry! love you too xxx
ReplyDeleteyou are incredible bex, your writing delights me in its beauty and touches me so deeply...it's always a pleasure to read even when it's about something so sad. you inspire me with your take on things constantly and i feel like i learn more about who i want to be just knowing you. peeling back the layers here too...glad we have each other to catch us when we fall. XXOO
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, thanks Kae....I'm glad too xxx
ReplyDeleteVery moving Bex - thanks for sharing this aspect of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI've been pondering this very subject myself as a result of a dicussion I had with a mutual friend. Of course, my male perspective is very different and I completely acknowledge that. But still, that feeling of 'fate' or whatever we choose to call it not aligning situations in a way that allows us to be parents is never far from my mind.
I also think you are brave and correct to acknowledge the psychological and spiritual aspects of illness. The more I learn, the more I am convinced we are foolish to ignore the mind/body link. I know it's difficult to avoid the political elements of M.E. and to avoid being told we are simply depressed but we shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Also, it's it wonderful how there seems to be this continuous 'therapy' taking place as we share our blogging outputs and reflect on what others are saying and meaning and how that relates to our situations? It feels like there is an ongoing organic growth process that we are all feeding into and benefitting from.
Take care xx
Thanks Barry,
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful to be able to share and reflecting on others blogs....the growth process is a raw and vital one and it's a privilege to be a part of others journeys too.
xxx
Ugh! Thanks for educing me to TEARS!!! ... haha. Grief is one of those things that is just nottalked about enough in the 'real' world and so we know so little about how it works and how to deal with it. I connected so much with most of what you talk about and will probably write about my experience in a couple of weeks. December 9th is my big day for grief! It's good that you are actually taking a good look at yourself rather than just putting all that scary stuff away somewhere, which is what so many people tend to do. xx
ReplyDeleteHey Lee Lee,
ReplyDeleteGrief is one of the most amazing subjects...I feel that one day I will write a lot more about it...like you say it's something we don't talk about and yet we wonder why it is so hard to deal with...I would love to see a world that is free and open to share about it, experience it, and truly release it.
I look forward to reading your post in December...will arm myself with tissues! LOL
xxx
this is beautiful! you have such a way with words. true writing talent. I love when you say you are determined to experience wholeness and wellness. I am bound determined for it too, and we will get there on this journey together.
ReplyDeleteThanks Laura!
ReplyDeleteIt is all so sad, coming across all the blogs and videos all in one week touches me with compassion one minute and makes me want to run from your pain (and mine) by switching off my cfs friends and finding something else, so I click, click on some stupid brain-dead game and I would never play games on the computer until this year. It is so unlike me but maybe now it is me - got to have some distraction from pain when you can't cry any more.
ReplyDeleteI know I am crying inside - but no tears come now UNLESS I am talking to someone else - but having a listening ear and a chance to cry to someone else is becoming less and less available as I become more and more isolated. Yeah, it's November and last November was not good either - could be the weather?? Low pressure, cloudy aches. I am dreading Summer heat too.
I know this is cold comfort but I married and had kids and of course I love them but my illness helped end the marriage and rearing the boys as a single Mum was also very cruel on the body and as it turns out both my boys have not coped very well with life and my inconsistency. They hated me for being in bed too much but I pushed so hard for them and have never been appreciated for it. I went back to study and later some part-time work despite being ill and lasted just long enough to get them to adulthood and now it is supposed to be time for me and I cannot do what I want anyway. Darn it.